Monday, March 1, 2010

I'm a wanderer. I roam around, around, around, around

I could complain right now. I could talk about how tired/stressed/unorganized/sore I am.
But I won't.
Complaining about them won't make them better, so I won't.
I feel like all I have been doing lately is complaining and explaining my stresses. And it's getting old even to me.

I understand that sharing and talking about problems makes you feel better. I understand that pretending everything is fine when it is not only adds more stress, and makes you liable to break like an over wound violin string.
I understand that letting people help you when you really need help is a sign of humility and gives them a chance to serve.

I understand because I usually pretend that everything is fine. I usually do not let anyone see the cracks. Usually I pretend like I have everything under control.
And it usually works. Admitting you're in trouble makes you feel defeated. Saying "I don't know how I'm going to do it," saying "I'm really in trouble this week," makes you believe it.

But saying you're in trouble also lets people give you words of comfort and support and encouragement. Saying you're in trouble means you're saying that you don't have to be 100% in control 100% of the time. Which is a relief. I don't know why I thought I did.

But more than once I have gotten the comment that
I need someone in my life to take care of me because I'm not doing a very good job of it myself.
To which I feel like responding:
1. If you know of any willing applicants, let me know
2. Yeah, well, I'm not dead yet so I must be doing something right
3. It is not as bad as you think - I'm just dramatic
4. Tried that a couple of times. So far I'm the only one who sticks around
5. Oh. Um. I guess I should be a little less of a loose cannon and take more care of myself before I can ever expect anyone else to be willing to pick that responsibility. No one wants a known liability. If the Visiting Teaching messages are all about self-reliance, I guess I've got something to learn.

I don't have to do everything. I can't do everything, even if I want to. I'm not superwoman.
It took a lot of effort to even say that.

Life is very good in so many ways. I'm blessed with good health, good friends, a good education, a good job, a good family,
that just by counting my blessings my rough spots seem smoother. It is often my fault they are rough - life is just so interesting that I want to take part in everything. There are so many things to do, to see, to be that life simply isn't long enough.

I guess the root of my running faster than I have strength is that for some reason I have always feared being left behind - missing opportunities and not doing and all being all I could be. But this manic lifestyle may be making me miss other opportunities, too. Quiet, small, simple ones right in front of me that may mean more than everything else.

My goal: to be able to say with truth -
I do not ask to see the distant scene, one step enough for me.

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