The latest surgery was at the end of April and was scheduled rather quickly when it was discovered that my whole lens had gone opaque over the course of a weekend - rather than seeing very little out of that eye, I just saw white milkiness. They removed the bad lens and the silicone gel that had been inside of my eye for over a year to keep my retina more or less in place. I have been home this last month recovering and trying to stay as idle as possible so as to not bump or jar anything in my eye. It has been pretty boring at times, very nice at relaxing at others.
Today I had my latest appointment with my eye doctor. The news was not good. He had been very optimistic after this surgery, but slightly less so each time I have gone back. Today was straight up realism with no spoonful of sugar to help it go down. My retina has torn once again. It will most likely never heal. I will never see out of my eye again. I can move and do whatever I want now because there is nothing anyone can do about it. If he tries to go in once again, he could kill the eye.
If I was older, it would have been easier to fix. But since I am a young, healthy individual with an excellent immune system, my body likes to heal itself. And heal vigorously. That means scar tissue. Every time my doctor has tried to go in and help my eye, scar tissue has built up and pulled on the retina and gunked up all sorts of things. If I was older or had a weak immune system, the scarring would have been minimal and I would probably be able to see right now. Kind of ironic - the things about my body I have always been thankful for and allowed me to keep any schedule I wanted are now a big problem.
I hate admitting failure.
I hate feeling powerless, feeling like I can't act, only be acted upon.
I hate knowing that I'm going to be like this the rest of my life.
I usually try and forget about this problem and move on with my life, but now I have to accept that I will forever run into people on a crowded walkway, I will forever be scared when backing up a car, I will never be able to play frisbee or soccer like I used to be able to. I will forever be on my guard waiting for something bad to happen to my other eye which could render me completely blind.
Someday I'll get a brighter perspective and be ready to rise above my challenges. One day I'll feel less overwhelmed and regain my I-can-do-anything attitude. But not today. Today is a grim reminder of my frail mortality, a reminder that no, contrary to my usual belief, I am not superhuman. And, oh, how it hurts.